Someday I Hope You Get The Chance…

About six months ago I updated my tumblr with a more personal sort of blog entry. I’m trying to keep personal entries, journal like things, over there and using this one to reach a broader audience. But I digress. I made an entry over there I called the “confidence bucket list”. I’m just going to copy and paste my description of this bucket list in here for the sake of ease and I’ll link the actual entry below that in case you wanted to see what was on that list. Because I’m going to be making a new one now, though some of the same things will still be on it.

“So a friend of mine recently posted a “confidence bucket list”. It’s essentially things you wish you had the confidence to accomplish. Things that may frighten you a bit because they’re outside your comfort zone. I wanted to do it too, not because I have a list of things that I don’t feel confident doing… but because I don’t have a list of things I don’t feel confident doing. I’m a pretty confident person, both in the things I can do and the things I’ve never done. I know that sounds weird, but my biggest fear is failure, so I don’t accept anything less than success from myself. No matter what it is, I give 150% until I succeed.

Like this past weekend, I was on a lake for about four days and day one I was asked if I wanted to try wake boarding. I’d never done it before, though I’d seen it done several times. I understood it in theory perfectly, but I understand a lot of things in theory. It’s the application of said theory that gets tricky. So the first few times I tried it just having it explained to me. Well that failed and I ended up drinking way more of the lake than I wanted to, so I took a break and when we went back out the woman who owned the boat showed me how to do it first. I’m a visual kinesthetic learner, so that worked out better for me. Even though I didn’t get up that second time either (the boat got too low on gas to keep going), I know the next time I try it I’ll do it. Was I scared before I attempted it? You best bet I was, but I was confident I could do it. I believe my exact words after I swallowed half the lake were “I’m fucking doing this before we leave”. Sadly, I didn’t get a chance to do it again after that first day, but I have plans to do it before the summer is over even if it kills me.

But I digress. My point is, there’s very little I don’t have the confidence to do so making a confidence bucket list is more about finding those things that I don’t think I’d excel at and doing it anyway. Not accepting the fact that I don’t think I’d do well at them as a reason to avoid them. So these might be stupid, but they’re things I’m scared to try because I have a gut feeling I’d fail. Here goes nothing”

This is the link to the actual entry, and while I’m not just going to copy and paste the things from that list, a lot of them (actually all of them) are going to be on this one… but with a few more added.

1) Enlist in the United States Air Force Reserves.
When I originally made this entry, I was trying to enlist in active duty. I have since changed my plan and am doing reserves first. For those of you who don’t know, I was originally disqualified because of heart surgery I had when I was 17 but I’m appealing that disqualification. My fear isn’t so much that I won’t go through with the enlistment process, it’s more that something else will come up that will prevent me from doing it. That my dream will come to a screeching halt again and I’ll be left not knowing what end is up. I’m not usually the kind of person to put all her eggs in one basket, but I don’t have a plan B for this. I don’t want a plan B. I don’t want to think of any other outcome besides the one I want. But I can’t help but wonder sometimes…

2) Go skydiving.
It’s not the heights that scare me, it’s not even the falling that scares me, it’s the landing if anything goes wrong. I’m not afraid of death by any means… but those moments before you hit the ground and you know you’re going to die… I don’t want to live that. My unease with doing something like this has only gotten greater since I met Daniel. He’s a paratrooper with the 82nd at Fort Bragg and injured his ankle on a jump back in June. Needless to say… it makes me even more nervous about it.

3) Be a mother.
That might seem a bit weird, but failing as a parent is the biggest reason I’m on the fence about having kids of my own. I know it’s one of those fears you never really get over until you do it, but I want myself to be in the best position possible for success before I even try it. Seems smart right? Well, when you don’t know when that position will come up, it’s a bit scary. What if I’m never there? Will I really hold off on ever having a child? I wouldn’t mind adopting in the least, but I would like at least one of my own. And this “when is the right time” question gets even harder now that I’m actually married. I know that family will start asking when we’re going to have kids eventually (hell, his mother is already begging for one), so we’ve talked about it but it’s still a bit daunting and nerve racking. Very, very nerve racking.

4) Sell a car.
Okay, now that one is really weird and random, I admit. But I’ve applied for lots of jobs in my life and every time I’ve ever needed a job badly, at least one person has told me I should go sell cars. That I’d be good at it. I’ve worked at a dealership before, I know what goes into selling cars, and I know I couldn’t do it. I have a personal problem with putting someone in a vehicle I know they can’t afford just so I can make something on the front end. I’m too honest and compassionate to sell cars. Which is precisely why I want to sell at least one. I probably won’t make anything off the commission, but that’s okay. I sold a car. And if my job search down here keeps going like it is… I might have to resort to trying to sell cars.

5) Open up to a stranger.
Not sure if anyone else will count that I did this one… but I’m going to. I met Daniel online (not even gonna lie about that one) and we talked virtually for about a week before we actually met in person. The conversations we had through messages were pretty average. We talked mostly about our days and the like, but when we actually met up at a Starbucks and sat down to talk… we just sort of instantly clicked. Here was this complete stranger, some guy I’d only just met and been talking to for a collective of maybe two days, and yet I couldn’t help but tell him everything. And it wasn’t just me spilling my guts. He answered every question I threw at him without hesitation and without avoiding the feels. It was weird and refreshing and unexceptionally nice. Four months later… we married.

6) Fail at something and be okay with it.
I don’t know why I didn’t think of this one first. I even said in the beginning that my biggest fear is failure, so it goes without saying that I’ll have mastered my confidence bucket list when I’m comfortable failing. When I’m comfortable not being successful at something and not thinking less of myself because of it. I don’t know when that will be, if ever, but it definitely deserves to be on this list, if not at the top.

7) Become a wife.
This one should have been on my list from the beginning but I didn’t really think of it until I was faced with it. When Daniel asked me to marry him, I knew without a doubt that I wanted to. It wasn’t the marrying him part that I had an issue with. It wasn’t until later that I realized it was the letting him see all of me part that was my problem. And I don’t just mean just-woke-up-no-make-up-bed-head me either. I mean the part of me that feels like a failure when I realize I’m going on 27 and have nothing to show for it. The part of me that feels like ugly baby crying every time I hear “Amazing Grace”. The part of me that gets short and rude and defensive when things aren’t going how I want them to. I didn’t want him to see those parts and not love me anymore. I still don’t want him to see those parts and not love me anymore. But it’s something I had to do anyway. If I wanted to marry him (which I very much did), I had to be okay with the fact that he might see those and wonder what the hell he’d gotten himself into.

8) Start my own business.
This isn’t something in which I lack the confidence to do. I’m sure that if I put my mind to it, I could start my own business. My issue is not knowing which business to start (chainmaille jewelry, DIY crafty things, photography, dog training, pet sitting, horse back riding instructor, etcetc) and not having the revenue to really focus on it and solely it. I’d love to get back into photography more, and actually plan on doing so, but until I have a clientele set up and enough jobs coming in, I can’t focus on photography and just that. The same with any of the other ideas I have. It’s just going to take time… and I’m not the most patient person in the world.

That is not the end of my “confidence bucket list” by far, but it’s a good start. What things would you put on your list?

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